Folks: 

 

The fur has flown, the smoke has cleared and the 2013 Smackdown is in the books. As always, Derek was vanquished. We here at Smackdown Central appreciate your efforts.

 

And now, the Smackdown results:

1. Running amok this year was Ann “The Better” Vetter. After looking at the final numbers, it is not such a surprise that she won since she got more correct answers than anyone with 43 correct picks in her inaugural Smackdown campaign. In words that we all look forward to her eating, she advises that “turns out [the Smackdown] is not that hard.”

2. Jumping from 15th place all the way up to second is Patrick “Twitchy” Smith. The word on the street is that finishing so close enough to Ann may have caused “Twitchy” to develop a spastic colon. Or at least that is the story that we here at Smackdown Central are making up.

3. Our third place winner loves it when you call him Wayne “Big Poppa” Simmons. “Big Poppa”  was last in the top three in 2007 when he won the whole shebang and he is currently enjoying respectability again, for however long it lasts. Also, he is busy throwing his hands in the air cause he’s a true player…

4. John “Glass Half-Full” Augusto is a little more positive than most folks would be about finishing just out of the top three as evidenced by his concession letter. “Dude, the last two years it was fourteen. I almost feel like I should be going to Disneyland,” he might have said if we here at Smackdown Central had bothered to ask.

5. Clif “Lucky Underwear” Jefferis ended up in fifth place this year after being our Anchor Man in 2012. To what does he owe his recent success? Clif is largely mum on the subject, but did drop a hint that it helps if your underwear are “properly seasoned.” (We here at Smackdown Central are pretty sure that we really don’t want to know any more than that.)

6. Bryn “Two spots above Derek” Wittmayer was philosophical about her sixth place finish. “Sure, I would have liked to win it all. But a fellow Smackdown chick won it and I finished two places above Derek. If you don’t think that is going to come up every time I see him for the next year, you would be wrong. God Bless America.”

7. After tying for fourth place last year, Arthur “Big Bear” Gepner dipped slightly to seventh place this year. Considering that he chose Florida as his champion, we here at Smackdown Central think that the “Bear” is fortunate to have done that well.

8. The Derekdoza line is actually fairly high this year. The entire Smackdown field suffered from some mild, mid-round anxiety when Derekwas momentarily in fifth place with all of his Final Four intact. Fortunately, Indiana took a dive and the world was saved from calamity once again.

9. Like a number of participants in this year’s Smackdown, Barry ”This Year’s Second Best” Smith was able to pick the eventual National Champion Cardinals. Unfortunately, that did not carry over to his Smackdown finish as he would have liked, though he did manage to move up in the Smith rankings AND improve upon last year’s seventeenth place finish.

10. Scott “Baby Steps” McLoughlin improved from last year’s tie for eleventh place to a solid tenth place finish this year. Though he did pick eventual champion Louisville, he finished 49 points out of contention this year. In his heart, Scott likes to hearken back to the halcyon days of yore or as we at Smackdown Central like to describe it, ”2008”, when the Scottster won it all. Says Scotty Mac, “Oh, to be relevant again…”

11. We here at Smackdown Central are not entirely sure whose mind that Mike “The Mindreader” Chastain was reading. But “The Mindreader” took it in the figurative shorts when he dropped from number one last year to eleventh in this year’s Smackdown. “Hey, I can’t win it every year. I mean, I tried to come to some sort of ‘accomodation’ with Smackdown Central, I just can’t afford the kind of numbers they were throwing at me…” (Ahem, nothing to see here. Move along…)

12. Alejandro “The King of Funkyness” Augusto rode in second place for the first two rounds. But his unusual choices eventually got the best of him and he finished in twelfth place. The good news for the King is that this is a move up from 20th place last year. Quoth The King, “Yeah, baby.”

13. Paul “I should have aimed lower” Smith dropped from a fourth place finish last year to thirteen this year. Part of the problem was his choice of the Zags to win it all. Part of the problem is what we here at Smackdown Central euphemistically call “Butler” issues. (Paul, we here at Smackdown Central understand that there is a cream available that helps with that…)

14. Rand Simmons dropped from 13 to 14 this year, though after Kansas’ unexpectedly ridiculous collapse against Michigan, he had a hard time caring.

15. The second of our four rookies this year, John “Big Fish in a Small Pool” McFarlane also picked Louisville, but otherwise had a tougher go in the Smackdown. Fortunately for him, he beat his mom, his step-mom, his brother and his dog. We here at Smackdown Central hope that he can come back for more next year.

16. Amy “Sometimes the bear gets you” Smith had a forgettable Smackdown this year. Last year she had a share of seventh place, while this year she is languishing at 16th. Though she did pick Louisville, she lost New Mexico in the first round and Indiana way too early. “When was the last time Paul, Barry AND Patrick all finished ahead of me? Ouch.”

17. Lisa “Mucho Smoocho” Heston is happy that her friend Ann Vetter won the Smackdown. “We ‘Smackdown Chicks’ have to support each other,” says Smoocho. But she is less excited about dropping from seventh to seventeenth. “Gonna have to break out the old Pucker Bomb next year.” (We here at Smackdown Central are pretty sure that Mr. Heston will find a way to ‘tough it out.’)

18.  Mark “I am not a bitter” Vetter – says Mark, “I didn’t pick Wichita State to get out of the first round. Also, though I have not won it all, my wife took the whole schmeer on her first try. I am sure that I am not going to hear all about that for the next year.” The good news for Mark is that he does get to sleep with The Champion. (Chin UP, big guy.)

19. Craig “Being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional” Kurtz really took it in the shorts this year.  A lesser man might have been waylaid as he dropped from 7th last year to 19th this year. Fortunately, Craig is a true gentleman and managed to send in his concession letter in in a super-timely fashion. (We here at Smackdown Central salute you.)

20. Aron “Well-Developed Character” Rider also had a tough tournament. Not only did she drop from 6th last year to 20th this year, Aron suffered through the round of sixteen when Indiana lost a heart-breaker to a lesser team. “I guess I deserve it to some extent for picking Michigan to come out of the South Region.” (We here at Smackdown Central just hope that Aron learns from her mistakes…)

21.  We here at Smackdown Central admire the spirit of Tifani “I am going to Disneyland” Jefferis. This year she dropped from 11th to 21st, but she is not going to let her get it town. “It doesn’t have anything to do with the Smackdown, I am just going to Disneyland.” (Oh, okay. Well, have a good time.)

22. A victim of the expanded Smackdown field, Michael “The Toddzilla Experience” Thummel scored nine points better than last year, but still dropped three spots from 19th to 22nd.  Nevertheless, “Toddzilla” is looking forward to evening up accounts with Mike “The Mindreader” Chastain next year. Says Thummel, “Chastain is a punk. He’s mine.”

23. Unlike our champion, another member of our large rookie class, Mike “Geodesic” Dome, had a tough year.  Dome did choose Louisville to win the championship, but flamed out fairly spectacularly in the other three regions. “This is not quite as easy as fantasy football, but I understand the need to thump Derek on a regular basis better than most people. I will be back.”

24. David “Memphisman” McFarlane also had a character-building tournament. The only Smackdown participant to choose Miami as his national champion, we here at Smackdown Central applaud his moxie. We hope to see the Memphisman and his brother back for more next year.

25.  We here at Smackdown Central are also glad to have Paul “Cleetus” Lehmkuhler back in the Smackdown after a short three-year hiatus. “Cleetus” had a tough Smackdown in spite of his choice of champion. “I picked Kansas as champion. Doesn’t that mean something?”(This year it means less than most, Paul.)

26. Sean “Crazy Legs” Heston also took Kansas and also got otherwise thrashed this year. Still, he maintains a sunny outlook. “Hey, I beat the dog. Plus, I am looking forward to the increased smooching next year. It is all good.”

27. Our first non-human competitor, Canine-American Slim Dog, took Kansas State as his champion, so he had a particularly difficult Smackdown. Of course, he also had Temple in the final four. In spite of these questionable choices, we here at Smackdown Central like the cut of his jib and look forward to his participation next year.

28.  After a Fantasy Football season that saw Andrew “Poindexter” Farhat dominate in awesome fashion, the Smackdown pulled him back down to Earth. Karma, you might ask? In his rookie year, “Poindexter“ finished in 28th place and was one of only two Smackdown participants to finish behind Slim Dog. Advises Farhat, “Hey, folks. Believe me, I am all ABOUT thumping Derek. But frankly my humility is just fine.”

29. Katherine “I sure rode THAT trail backwards” Simmons won our “Anchor-Woman” award this year. The only one of the twenty nine Smackdown participants who was not able to break her score all the way into three digits, her gutsy choice of New Mexico as a champion caused her to really take it in the gut. “You know, 2009 was a good year…”

If you have not already written your concession letter, please get it done. If you need help, please let us know. If you don’t write one, we here at Smackdown Central may have to write it for you. And you KNOW how that goes…

 

 Smackdown Central