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2013 Smackdown Bios

 

Name: Alejandro “Z-bad fire head” Augusto

Favorite TV show growing up: Futurama

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? How deep and sexy my voice has become…

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten? a packet of wasabi 

What do you want on your tombstone? I’m dead. Be happy. 

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? My sister bought me a video game. 

Quote: “Take a look at this cup of coffee. I love my coffee. It’s probably the one thing I cherish on this godforsaken mud ball they call earth.” 

 

Name: Sean “Feel the Power” Heston

Favorite TV show growing up: M.A.S.H. (because it was the raciest show I was allowed to watch.)

And Scooby Doo (because it is Scooby-freakin'-Doo!)

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? Getting older. Seriously, how young I still feel.

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: Chicken gizzards or bull testicles

What do you want on your tombstone? That. Was. AWESOME!

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)?

Lisa donated a kidney to one of our friends. Yah, the gift of life tops my kindness meter. :)

Quote:

Haikus are not hard
They just need the right number
of syllables

 

 

Name: Patrick “Crybaby” Smith

Favorite TV show growing up: Earth 2

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? No matter how many times I trim them, my toenails keep growing.

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: Stewed cow intestines.

What do you want on your tombstone? Let history judge this man.

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? One time I was really in a pinch and a perfect stranger was kind enough to break a $5 bill for me.

Quote: Yes, you live with your feet in the mud and there's no time to be thinking about how you got in or how you're going to get out." Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

 

 

Name: Amy “You don’t want ANY of this” Smith

TV: Saved By the Bell

Aging: I'm not old. I am not old.

Weird food: Possibly pig bung. (Google-calamari and bung)

Tombstone: "I'm not dead yet."

Kind act: The day my stepkids John and David let me sleep in and cooked all my meals and played quietly outdoors and cleaned the house without being asked.  (hint)

Quote: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

 

Name: Aron "now I can smack the whole family and the little dog, too" Rider

(Smackdown Central awards style points for the oblique Kansas slam)

Favorite TV show growing up: Fantasy Island. Run with it. (Boss, Boss! De plane, De plane!)

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? I'm sorry, what was the question? 

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: bee pollen

What do you want on your tombstone? "Wait, I'm not done lecturing you yet..."

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? Um, I don't really pay attention to other people...

Quote: "You can't teach tall."

 

Name:  Scott "Crap Shack" McLoughlin

Favorite TV show growing up:  Gotta go with Gilligan's Island.......those whacky castaways

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most?  Gotta be the hair growing out of the ears.  What the heck is up with that???

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten:  Liver........no, really!  Why in the world would anyone eat an organ whose job is to filter all the crap and toxins out of the blood???

What do you want on your tombstone?  "I told you I was sick."

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)?  Just a few years ago, a young lady, Katherine, saved all of mankind and the world as we know it by averting a tragedy of enormous proportion, by defeating Derek to win the Smackdown.

Quote:  I was just pondering the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "I drank what??"

 

Name: Tifani "Stronger Than Yesterday" Jefferis

Favorite TV show growing up: The Price is Right

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? When I go out with my oldest and youngest children, people assume my son is my husband and Ella is our daughter. It's creepy.

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: Krispy Kreme burger (It was surprisingly good.)

What do you want on your tombstone? pepperoni and black olives

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? People surprise me daily with their kindness, so it is hard to choose. Given that this is basketball season, I am going to go with the split-second sportsmanship of high school student Jon Montanez. I could tell the now viral story, but it is best to see and read it. http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/heartwarming-assist-foe-lands-el-paso-special-needs-160113585.html

Quote: "I can make any kind of balloon animal... as long as it is a worm or a snake." Jess from New Girl

 

Name: Paul "I'm trying to be less like Derek" Smith

Favorite TV show growing up:  Family Ties

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most?  How much smarter my parents get.

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten:  Chocolate Chirpies (Chocolate Chip cookies with bugs in them)

What do you want on your tombstone?  "You should be out looking for my killer."

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)?  A Jayhawks fan held the door open for me once.  (It was basketball season, he was taking pity on me, I'm sure.)

Quote:  Have low expectations; never be disappointed.  (This is why my only goal this year is just to beat Derek in the Smackdown).

 

Name: Clif "Sgt. Schultz" Jefferis

Favorite TV show growing up:  Dukes of Hazard

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most?  Making it this far.

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten:  Chocolate covered ants

What do you want on your tombstone?  I don't even like that brand of pizza!  But I'll take sausage, thanks.

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)?  2009 when we let Derek think he was going to win.

Quote: “I’m just looking around to see who’s gonna finish second.” - borrowed from Larry Bird

 

Bonus Quote: “We’re going to beat Kansas Derek at home. We’re going to beat them him in their his house. We’re going to beat them him in Africa. Wherever we play, we’re going to beat them him.” - borrowed (and modified) from Michael Beasley.

 

Name: Mike “Glory Days” Chastain

Favorite TV show growing up:   Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.  Last year I met the female lead, Erin Gray, at a convention.  I was too embarrassed to tell her in person that her skin-tight lycra uniform made me realize at a young age that I 'liked' girls.  She's still a hottie.

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? Where did all this hair come from?  Plus, nobody told me it would turn grey "down there".

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: I ate garden slugs once.  When they're rolled in cracker crumbs and fried in clarified butter, they're not too bad.

What do you want on your tombstone? Since I want to be cremated, how about "All we are is dust in the wind"? or maybe a giant number 3 in honor of Dale Earnhart Sr. 

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? I'll pass on this one.  I can't answer without it being about sex, midgets or both.

Quote: "I think I need a lawyer."  - Clarence Earl Gideon

 

Name:  Mark "The Oracle" Vetter

Favorite TV show growing up:  The Wild, Wild West

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most?  Life improves with aging. 

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten:  Escargot (snails)

What do you want on your tombstone?   "He loved and was loved." 

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? Assistance to those who have lost their home and possessions from a natural disaster.

Quote:  “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ― Mae West

 

Name: Arthur "Big Bear" Gepner

Favorite TV show growing up: Star Trek

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? Short term memory l....never mind I forgot

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: roasted grasshopper

What do you want on your tombstone? Here lies Arthur Gepner

                                                                          Age 102

                                                                          The Good Die Young

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? Watched as a rabble of displaced indigenous people were shown how to grow crops and make shelters by volunteering soldiers who had work of their own to do.

Quote: Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

 

Name: Craig “Col.” Kurtz – The antagonist in Heart of Darkness and again in Apocalypse Now. The Urban Dictionary defines a “Col. Kurtz” as “when an idealist undertakes a mission to bring under control a chaotic situation, only to be consumed by it and lose his sanity.” Which pretty much sums up the Smackdown for me.

Favorite TV show growing up: I’m told that when I was very young, The Lone Ranger was a favorite; I’d run around saying, “Heigh ho, Silver!” When I was in elementary school, we had Wild Kingdom followed by The Wonderful World of Disney on Sunday nights. It made up for having to watch The Lawrence Welk Show on Saturday nights with my grandmother.  

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? Who says I’m old! Is Derek still saying I’m older than Michael Jordan?

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: True story - My dad used to eat salami sandwiches on white bread with peanut butter and ketchup almost every day for lunch. They’re not bad.

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? Well, Ann Marie married Derek, so that has to rank near the top ...

What do you want on your tombstone? Besides “All-time Smackdown Champion?” How about: "I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. That's the America I love."

Quote: "I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. That's the America I love." – Mitt Romney

 

Name: John “the BBALL Wiz” Augusto

Favorite TV show growing up: Good Times

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? To quote Toby Keith “I ain't as good as I once was….But I'm as good once as I ever was"

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: Roasted Frogs on a stick on a road outside Mexico City

What do you want on your tombstone? “I woke up in my clothes again this morning, I don't know exactly where I am” (Sting…Shadows in the Rain)

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? Every day I wake up and my wife Kim is still with me…

Quote: In 2013, the year of chaos in the NCAA March Madness, the BBALL Wiz is going to restore order to the chaos by winning this year’s SMACKDOWN.

 

Name: Wayne “Big Poppa” Simmons

Favorite TV show growing up: The Lone Ranger

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? I've still got all the moves, I just move slower.

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: sauerkraut

What do you want on your tombstone? Here in lies a true Husker fan

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? I once helped an old lady across the street.

Quote: “I love it when they call me Big Poppa…”

 

Name: Michael “The Toddzilla Experience” Thummel

Favorite TV show growing up: Battlestar Galactica or Firing Line. I was a weird little kid.

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? The disparity between mental/physical age. I know I am falling apart, but mentally I still think I can do things like I am mid-20s. So I end up with a hurt ankle, etc. Also, memory loss. I often can't remember how I hurt my ankle, etc.

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: There was a brownie, once, in Amsterdam. I don't know why, but, that was just a very weird brownie.

What do you want on your tombstone? No Tombstone. Viking Funeral. Me. On a funeral pyre. On a Viking Longboat. Out to sea. You guys have a party on shore. Also, check the wind conditions, as I don't want my burning corpse/longboat drifting back into some kids sand castle. That would be awkward.

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)?When the carjacker decided not to shoot me. And when the robber decided not to shoot me. In fact, four times people have decided not to shoot me. Which is a pretty good average, in my book.

Quote: "Man, I am getting fat. These jeans are so tight, they should be nominated for a GLAAD award."

 

Name:  Barry “Smith” Smitty

Favorite TV show growing up: Simpsons

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most?  Contrary to what I was led to believe, I find myself becoming ever more charming and handsome as I age. (Also, progressively more humble.)

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: Cow's tongue, cow stomach, pig head, pig liver.

What do you want on your tombstone? The flower of a Stinging Nettle.

Quote: "Remember back in 2007? Yeah, I took 2nd place in the Smackdown. Those were the good old days." -Me

 

Name: Lisa (I will not accept your public shame) Heston

Favorite TV show growing up: Love Boat, I still want to be Julie McCoy

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? Life is WAY better at 42 than 24.

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: Raw Fish.....eeeewwww....slimy.....

What do you want on your tombstone?  Lived life OUT LOUD!

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)?Derek Simmons being allowed into Smackdown again this year (even though his best just isn't good enough).  I guess the gift is to the rest of us who enjoy his pain. So Thank you.

Quote: I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.....And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. --Ron White     I prefer Jameson.....and Lemonade...hhmmmm--Lisa Heston

 

Name: Bryn “I respond to public nagging” Wittmayer

Favorite TV show growing up:  Wonder Woman

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most?  Aging?  What aging.
Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten:  Cajun frog legs.
What do you want on your tombstone?  Don’t blink. Blink and you’re dead.
What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)?  The kindest act is when my husband cleans up the kid's vomit.  We lead a wild and crazy life.
Quote:  I've been putting up with Derek at major holidays for a dozen years and all I get is a lousy Smackdown invitation? (We here at Smackdown Central think you should get a medal.)

 

Name: Paul “Cleetus” Lehmkuhler

Favorite TV show growing up: Leave it to Beaver

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? How much effort it takes to get out of a chair sometimes…

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: “mystery” tacos

What do you want on your tombstone? He was a good husband, a wonderful father, but a bad electrician…

Quote: I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.’ - Les Dawson

 

Name: Mike “Chrome” Dome

Favorite TV show growing up: The A-Team – “I love it when a plan comes together.”

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? Who knew I would still be so sexy?

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: Some rather questionable sandwich meat.

What do you want on your tombstone? There goes the neighborhood.

Quote: ”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’”
 

Name: Katherine “Preacher” Holtmeyer

Favorite TV Show growing up: Batman – ah, men in tights…

Which facet of aging has surprised me the most? Seeing the kids that I work with still not being smart.

Weirdest things that I have intentionally eaten? My husband’s cooking

What do you want on your tombstone? pepperoni, sausage, beef, bell peppers, cheese, pineapple

What is the kindest act that you have ever seen done (either by you or someone else)? Haven't used the duct tape on the husband or anyone else, recently!!!!! ;)

New and Improved Nickname: Katherine “Duct tape” Holtmeyer

Quote: “Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong”

 

Name: Rand “Tarzan” Simmons

Favorite TV show growing up: Wild, Wild West in reruns. Though I still enjoy singing the theme song to Gilligan’s Island.

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? I can already see that it is harder to do some things than it was 10 years ago. Don’t know why I didn’t think that would happen to me.

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: Barbecued grasshoppers. I was not impressed.

What do you want on your tombstone? I want to be cremated. But otherwise I hope my family would go with something like, “We will miss you.”

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? It is difficult to specify just one. My wife regularly amazes me with her kindness.

Quote: My deathbed confession is going to be EPIC.

 

Name: Derek “It is like I WANT to get pounded” Simmons

Favorite TV show growing up:  Laverne & Shirley – Always wanted to be Squiggy

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? All this gray really doesn’t make me look any more distinguished.

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: Jambalaya. It’s not really all that weird, I just like saying it.

What do you want on your tombstone? "Schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated!"

Quote: “You got a purty face, and I mean that."

And introducing the newbies...

Name: Ann “How hard can this be?” Vetter

Favorite TV show growing up:  Bewitched

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most?  How much better I get everyday :0)

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten: Alligator

What do you want on your tombstone? Nothing, want to be cremated and sent to the ocean.

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)? Last Guineess staring at us in the fridge and daddy hands to me :0)

Quote: Seize the Day!

 

 

Name: John McFarlane

Favorite TV show growing up: Monty Python's Flying Circus

Which facet of aging has surprised me the most: Puberty

Weirdest thing I have ever intentionally eaten: School lunch meat (who knows what's in that stuff)

What I want on my tombstone: "I left a million dollars under the ..."

The kindest act I've seen done: The Falcons intentionally losing in the NFL playoffs, so the 49ers could have a chance.

Quote: "Don't believe everything you see on the internet."- Abraham Lincoln

 

name: David “Memphisman” McFarlane

favorite TV show: The Simpsons

surprising thing: Death

weirdest eatery: a bezoar

what on tombstone: What happened?

what kindest thing: I ate food

Quote: truth is a lie: david mcfarlane

 

And finally, for the first time in the history of the Smackdown, we have a member of a different species participating. (Smackdown Central has officially determined that, despite the many petitions and after much consideration, Mike Chastain does not count.)

 

Representing the Kingdom: Animalia, Phylum: Chordata, Class: Mammalia, Order: Carnivora, Family: Canidae, Genus: Canis, and species: canis lupis, we have:

 

Name: Slim the Dog (Sometimes they call me Slim Jim or Slim Shady or Slimmy Jimmy or BAD DOG)

Favorite TV show growing up:  The front door

Which facet of aging has surprised you the most? Why are the stairs getting taller?

Weirdest thing you have ever intentionally eaten:  My own poop

What do you want on your tombstone?  Raw hamburger

What is the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to you or to someone else)?  Dinner time.

Quote:  Woof. (We here at Smackdown Central could not have said it better.)

 

The word on the street is that there may be a video of Slim making his picks this year. More on that as it becomes available.

 

 

Smackdown Central 

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