Ye Olde 2009 Smackdown Bios
... in no particular order.
Katherine "The Great" Simmons
Hometown: Independence, Missouri
Car you drive: Dodge Intrepid
Car you pretend you are driving: Cadillac Escalade
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: Chocolate aisle, followed closely by the coffee aisle
Gets going in the morning by: “Gibbsing” dad, (thumping him in the back of the head, mostly on principle and because I won't be there when he really needs it).
Quote: "Give me the order sir and I'll storm hell....." said to General George Washington by General "Mad" Anthony Wayne
Colonel “too much time on my hands” Kurtz
Hometown: I am “A Son of the Middle Border” (Full disclosure: That’s the title of a fine book by Hamlin Garland.)
Truck you drive: Honda Ridgeline
Car that you pretend you are driving: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Everyone, sing along:
“Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
O you pretty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, we love you
And in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, what we'll do
Near, far, in our motor car
O what a happy time we'll spend
Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend
Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend
You're sleek as a thoroughbred
Your seats are a feather bed
You'll turn everybody's head today
We'll glide on our motor trip
With pride in our ownership
The envy of all we survey
O you pretty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, we love you
And our Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang loves us too
High low anywhere we go
On Chitty Chitty we depend
Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend
Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend
It's uncategorical
A fuel burning oracle
A phantasmagorical machine
It's more than spectacular
To use the vernacular
It's wizard, it's smashing, it's keen
O Chitty, you Chitty, pretty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, we love you
And Chitty, in Chitty, pretty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, what we'll do
Near Chitty, far Chitty, in our motor car
O what a happy time we'll spend
Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend
Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend...(hold)
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered Chitty Chitty friend!”
(We here at Smackdown Central are very nearly speechless.)
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: The checkout lane. I hate shopping.
I get going in the morning by: Knowing that I have another fun-filled day of looking for a job.
Quote: “I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or for the 38 years before that, either.” – Dave Barry
Clif “Too Sexy” Jefferis
Hometown: Jackson, MS
Car you drive: Honda Accord
Car that you pretend you are driving: I don't have an imagination... at least as it relates to cars.
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: Checkout
I get going in the morning by: Adrenaline and Coffee
Quote: I don't know nothin’ about no basketball; I'm just here to smack Derek down.
Derek D. “The D is for Dangerous” Simmons
Hometown: Roseburg, Oregon
Car you drive: 1997 Honda Civic, tricked out with headlights and a working horn
Car that you pretend you are driving: F-15
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: Bakery .... mmmmm ... aroma of doughnuts ... mmmmmmmm ....
I get going in the morning by: Gabriel, age 3, telling me to move over and make room for him.
Quote: "The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting."
Sun Tzu, power forward for Chinese National Team circa 6th century B.C., in his self-help book "The Art of War."
Paul "Lemmy" Lehmkuhler
Hometown: North Platte, NE - GO HUSKERS!
Car you drive: Lincoln Navigator
Car that you pretend you are driving: Why pretend ....I also drive a 1970 American LaFrance fire truck
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: Snacks & Bakery
I get going in the morning by: Shower & News of the Day
Quote: It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up." ~ Vince Lombardi
Tifani "Sweet Tea" Jefferis
Hometown: Jackson, MS
Car you drive: Honda Odyssey
Car that you pretend you are driving: the same Honda Odyssey pimped out by Xzibit in a Hello Kitty/Calculus theme. Yeah, that's right. I roll like that.
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: produce
I get going in the morning by: the promise of a new day (I'm an optimist.)
Quotes: "Imagine there were no hypothetical situations." -my oldest kid
and something to motivate sweet Derek in his quest for a victory:
"Believe that the loose ball that you are chasing has your name on it." -Coach K
P-Smitty aka Paul Smith
Hometown: Brookings, SD (Birthtown); Salem, OR (current abode)
Car: Civic Hybrid and/or minivan
Other car: Hybrid SUV
Grocery Aisle: Wherever the hamburger helper is
Morning: Up by 5:15 out the door (with kid) by 6:30
Quote: If Barak Obama can win the presidency, Paul can win the Smackdown. (making Derek “John McCain.” We here at Smackdown Central approve this message.)
Don Arturo Gepner
Hometown: Anywhere the police can't find me
Car you drive: Uparmored HMMV
Car that you pretend you are driving: Daffy Duck scooter
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: The one with the cute chick in it (my wife)
I get going in the morning by: Main-lining copious amounts of sugar and cream laced with coffee
Quote: "They are who we thought they were! And that's why we took the damn field! Now *smacks mic* if you want to CROWN THEM THEN CROWN THEIR ASS!! BUT THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!! And we let 'em off tha hook!" -Dennis Green
Mike "The Hammer" Chastain
Hometown: Leavenworth, KS (the town, not the prison)
Car you drive: Toyota Matrix
Car that you pretend you are driving: Car? If you're going to pretend, pretend big! I pretend I'm flying a spaceship!
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: The coffee isle. I like the way it smells. Oh! Or the produce isle when peaches are in season. The smell of peaches almost makes me drown in my own saliva. Heck. Thinking about the smell of peaches is making my mouth water. I guess I like peaches.
I get going in the morning by: Correction: Morning is for going to bed. When you work at night the world is all topsy-turvy. Early afternoon is what you mean. A pleasant cup of Twinnings English Breakfast Tea.
Quote: In capitalism, man exploits man. In socialism, it's exactly the opposite. -Ben Tucker, Famous Vaudeville Comedian (or not)
Rand “The Amazing Randono” Simmons
Hometown: Dodge City
Car you drive: Toyota Camry
Car that you pretend you are driving: A newer, cleaner Toyota Camry (hey, a guy can dream, right?)
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: The aisle marked by the XXX signs… Wait, that’s not the grocery store…
I get going in the morning by: Green Tea, baby.
Quote: “At least once every human being should have to run for his life, to teach him that milk does not come from the supermarket, that safety does not come from policemen, and that news is not something that happens to other people.” - unknown
Barry “I wear the pants” Smith
Hometown: Salida, CO
Car you drive: I ride a Trimet Bus
Car that you pretend you are driving: Bentley Limo with stuffy chauffeur
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: Grocery store?? I got married so I wouldn't have to go to the grocery store.
I get going in the morning by: Yodeling
Quote: "Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again"
Scott "Fall from Grace" McLoughlin
Hometown: Some small place in the western wilderness
Car you drive: De-crapped old Toyota truck or little red Saturn Coupe
Car that you pretend you drive: Pimped out 1988 Yugo
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: Pasta/soup
I get going in the morning by: Let's be realistic, I really don't fully wake up until mid-afternoon.
Quote: "Who the.....?, What the......?, Awwwwwww too late." Heard many a day around our home.
Todd “Green” Thummel
Hometown: Dodge
Car: Toyota Avalon
Pretend car: 66 VW Bus
Fav aisle: Foreign. Love those zany sauces.
I get by in the morn by: Spite.
Quote: “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” – Dean Martin
Antonio “I Feel Pretty” Sanchez
Hometown: Wright, Kansas (Motto: can 466 people be wrong?)
Car you drive: Yellow VW bug
Car that you pretend you are driving: Ferrari Testarossa
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: health and beauty aids (not that there is anything wrong with that…)
I get going in the morning by: There is nothing like a good hair-care product.
Quote: “Thespians do it on stage.”
John “Butch” Wittmayer
Hometown: transient
Car you drive: Ford Pinto
Car that you pretend you are driving: a Hummer
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: condiment aisle
I get going in the morning by: a little quality time in the ‘throne’ room
Quote: “I love the smell of hot mustard in the morning.”
Patrick “Spanky” Smith
Hometown: somewhere in Oregon
Car that you pretend you are driving: Range Rover
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: The dairy section. I live for cheese.
I get going in the morning by: My wife actually has a Taser and she is not afraid to use it.
Quote: "Give me a lever large enough, and I will move the earth." - Archimedes
Wayne “Grande” Simmons
Hometown: Grafton, Nebraska (Motto: Yes, this actually is a real place)
Car you drive: Suburban
Car that you pretend you are driving: Lexus
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: I like to stand in the hot sauce aisle and imagine the possibilities.
I get going in the morning by: A quart of hot coffee and 810 Sports Radio
Quote: “He’s dead, Jim.” – Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy
Inroducing Two Newbies...
Amy "Tip of the Spear" Smith
Hometown: Huron, SD
Current Home: Washington, D.C.
Car you drive: Mazda Protege5
Car you pretend to drive: bicycle
Favorite aisle in grocery store: Toss up between the cheese aisle and the beer aisle (Yeah, tough call.)
I get going in the morning by: Coffee. Gallons of coffee. And if I'm lucky, a bike ride.
Quote: "Don't give up the ship!" - Captain James Lawrence
Aron "Hoosier Mama" Rider
Hometown: Muncie, Indiana
Car you drive: 2003 Saturn ION, no hubcaps
Car you pretend to drive: Seemingly, a get-away car. I do like to hurry.
Favorite aisle: pain relief
I get going in the morning by: Ha! I am a free lance musician. I do NOT get going in the morning.
Quote: "A good pick should cause a few seconds of disorientation."
And last but not least, “The Hatchlings:”
Morgan "Lasik-Os" Jefferis
Genetic Destiny: Former champions ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ Jefferis
Hometown: Remote volleyball factory next to the 'Castaway' island
Car you drive: Ltd. Edition neon green Etnies
Car that you pretend you are driving: Custom-Made Chainsaw-shark-octomobile
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: Any one where I can turkey bowl
I get going in the morning by: Realizing everything that I could have been doing the past 4 hours
Quote: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Author Unknown
Aidan "Freight Train" McLoughlin
Genetic Destiny: Sixteen-time Smackdown Champ Scott McLoughlin is his dad.
Hometown: Joplin, MO
Car you drive: The ol' shoeleather express
Car you wish you drove: Solar powered roadster.
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: The one with the gummy worms.
I get going in the morning by: The 3 "S's" Sh*t, Shower, and a Shave.
Quote: "That's America for ya"
Paige “Scholar” McLoughlin
Genetic Destiny: Mom is Melissa McLoughlin. The rest of the field has absolutely no chance.
Hometown: Lansing, Kansas
Car you drive: not yet
Car that you pretend you are driving: I am not terribly picky at this point
Favorite aisle in the grocery store: The cereal aisle. I am all about the Lucky Charms.
I get going in the morning by: sheer inertia
Quote: “Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.” – P.J. O’Rourke