Ladies and Gentleman:

We came close in 2004 and then again in 2007. But in 2011 the Smackdown has finally achieved existential perfection. As the standings finalized, Derek was in Last Place. This means that the entire rest of the field finished above the Derekdoza line. Pardon us, as we here at Smackdown Central are getting a little misty over the situation. Can it ever really get better than this?

 

Ahem, well. In an effort to pull ourselves together, we would like to note the top three:

  

 

1. Winning her first ever Smackdown Championship, Aron "Sledgehammer" Rider pounded the rest of the field into submission with a score of 106 points more than Derek on 8 more correct choices. Before the Smackdown was even fully decided, Aron exhibited strong leadership and took the field in hand, "I am not going to settle for any of this 'oh, I was tired' or 'oh, I have new baby, pity me'" baloney. People are going to have to acknowledge my superiority in a decisive manner in their concession letters or taste the sting of my new riding crop." (We here at Smackdown Central have decided to take another look at our concession letter, just to be safe.)

2. In second place after a long hiatus from the front of the pack is Craig "Wildman" Kurtz. In 2003, Craig also finished second behind Art Gepner. This year, the "Wildman" finished with 96 points more than Derek, also on 8 more correct picks. Says Craig, "It's true that second place is a little like kissing your sister, but 20th must be like cleaning the shower with your toothbrush."

3. Art "Gonzo" Gepner also fanned the flames of nostalgia by re-appearing in the top 3 for the first time since 2008 when he finished second. Prior to that, Art's claim to fame was winning it all at the beginning of the Modern Smackdown era in 2003. "The Gonz" was able to garner 75 points more than Derek on seven more correct choices. 

The Rest

 

1. Barry "Rain Man" Smith ended the Smackdown with 73 more points than Derek on six more correct picks.

2. Tifani "Boom-Boom" Jefferis finished with 71 points more than Derek on five more correct picks.

3. John "What's a little incorrect procedure between friends?" Wittmayer took some time off the ski slopes to register 62 points more than Derek on six more correct choices.

4. Amy "Ahab" Smith finished with 52 points more than Derek on four more correct choices.

5. Mike "Tigers Blood" Chastain ended the Smackdown with 48 points more than Derek on five more correct choices.

6. Wayne "No Pants" Simmons finished with 44 points more than Derek on five more correct choices.

7. Katherine "Rascal" Simmons finished with 38 points more than her brother on four more correct choices.

8. Patrick "I'm just showing off now" Smith registered 38 points more than Derek, having made just one more correct choice. "That is called, 'bang for your buck'."

9. Clif "Lunchbox" Jefferis finished this year's event with 35 points more than Derek on six more correct choices. In an effort to keep the peace at home, he also took Duke as his national champion.

10. Lisa "Doing what I can with what I got" Heston has an unusual claim to fame this year. She finished with 34 more points than Derek, but actually had two fewer correct choices. "Just a little woman power for ya," she has assured Smackdown Central.

11. John "Sticky" Augusto finished with 30 points more than Derek on four more correct choices.

12. Michael "Michael" Thummel finished with 25 points more than Derek on four more correct choices.

13. Paul "Pappy" Smith also got 25 points more than Derek on three more correct choices.

14. Mark "Voodoo" Vetter got 22 points more than Derek on two more correct choices.

15. Scott "Kiblemeister" McLoughlin finished with 13 points more than Derek on two more correct choices. Scott is also the only person not sleeping in the Jefferis' master bedroom to pick Duke as his champion.

16. Rand "Rooster" Simmons ended this year's Smackdown with five points more than Derek's on two more correct choices.

17. And finally, Derek "Butter my butt and call me a biscuit" Simmons rounds out the bottom of the field with a woeful 116 points on 30 correct choices. (Yes, yes. Next year he will 'crush us all'. He's so cute when he talks like that, isn't he?).

 

We here at Smackdown Central would strongly urge all the participants to take a moment, stand up, smell the roses, and feel the freakiness that is the Smackdown. 

 

Mission Accomplished!

 

 Smackdown Central