The 2009 Smackdown Wrap-up
We have come upon a situation unique in the annals of Smackdown history. Our 2009 Smackdown Champ actually sent her concession letter before the Tournament started. This unprecedented situation has caused much head-scratching here at Smackdown Central. What to do? What to do?
When we communicated our concerns to this year’s “potential winner”, she advised that she has certain pictures that we here at Smackdown Central would not want posted to the Internet. This has caused much consternation here at Smackdown Central.
Unfortunately, if we do not crown Katherine, a certain player-who-must-not-be-named would win by default. We here at Smackdown Central are not that set on proving a point.
So in 2009, Smackdown Central brings you both good news and bad news. The good news is that once again, -- Derek did not win. The bad news? … the Derekdoza line is very high this year.
And so, without further ado…
Our 2009 Smackdown Champion is Katherine “The Great” Simmons. She did not get her champion, Louisville, into the Final Four, but did manage a top score of 232 on 48 correct choices. Says the Champ, “Derek sucks, yay me.”
2. In second place after scaring the heck out of all of us is Derek “Payback is very unpleasant” Simmons. In spite of getting slapped down by karma, the universe, and his little sister, Derek managed 217 points on 47 correct choices. “Two freakin’ years in a row I finish behind my sister. I must have done something very bad in a previous life.”
3. The other major story in this year’s Smackdown involved The Fledglings, part of the next generation that we are training to thump Derek without mercy. Morgan “Carrying the Family Flag” Jeffries finished in the money in his rookie campaign with 213 points on 42 correct choices. Unfortunately, he picked Memphis as his champion. Oh Morgan, did you not see the championship game last year? Oh well, you will learn eventually...
4. Our second Fledgling to carry the family honor was Aidan “Freight Train” McLoughlin. “Train” got 210 points on 46 correct choices. We here at Smackdown Central watched on St. James Day as he tracked the scores by the minute. Good genes in that family.
5. At several points, it looked as if the Smith Mafia was going to school the rest of the Smackdown field. Patrick “Spanky” Smith was the highest finisher, however, with 191 points on 36 correct choices. Like young Mr. Jeffries, he picked Memphis as his champion. Unlike Mr. Jeffries, he does not have relative youth as an excuse. “Hey, what does a guy have to do to get better nickname, please? What about ‘P-Smitty’?”
6. Amy “Tip of the Spear” Smith finished right behind “Spanky” with 189 points on 37 correct choices. She finished with 12 correct choices behind our champion AND she picked Syracuse to win it all. Rumor has it that hallucinogenic pharmaceuticals may have been involved…”
7. Aron “Easy” Rider cruised to 188 points on 42 correct choices. “How did I manage to get five more correct choices than Amy, but still finish behind her?” Nevertheless, “Easy” has got to be feeling at least a little redemption because the Big Ten did show some oomph. Unfortunately, her champion pick, Michigan State, could not quite pull it off.
8. Last year’s champion, Scott “Fall from Grace” McLoughlin got 187 points on 44 correct choices. His one shred of remaining glory is that he was the highest finisher to correctly pick the national champion, North Carolina. “One, we need to put more points into the last two rounds. And two, did you see where my kid finished? That’s my boy. Also, as a previous fifteen-time winner of the Smackdown, I propose that we eternally brand Patrick as ‘Spanky’”.
9. John “Butch” Wittmayer finished with 185 points on 44 correct choices. For those of you who are keeping track, that is 24 points and 5 correct choices better than his ne’er-do-well son-in-law. We here at Smackdown Central are just saying.
10. Craig “Chitty Chitty” Kurtz got 183 points on 41 correct choices. A middle of the pack finish for “Chitty” who we here at Smackdown Central would like to thank for getting THAT SONG stuck in our heads for the last month.
11. Like his brother Spanky, Barry “The Definition of Insanity” Smith chose Memphis for his champion for the second year in a row – and for the second year in a row, they did not come through for him. Unlike Spanky, Barry finished with a mere 181 points on 40 correct choices. “Hey, I told my wife how to fill out the brackets after she came back from the store. I guess she just can’t follow directions…”
11. Tying with “Insanity” was Paul “Lemmy” Lehmkuhler who also got 181 points on 42 correct choices. The buzz on the street was that “Lemmy” wanted to pick Nebraska to win, but was quite disappointed to learn that they were not in the tournament this year. His consolation choice was Pittsburgh. Maybe next year “Lemmy”
13. Arthur “Don Arturo” Gepner finished with 180 points on 42 correct choices. Louisville. Mr. Gepner is feeling the pain of having picked the higher seeds. “I got six more correct picks than Spanky and finished eight spots behind him. I am not feeling the love.”
14. Clif “ Note My Progeny” Jefferis ended up with 180 points on 41 correct choices. In spite of his ‘toward the rear of the pack’ finish, Clif feels like he had a pretty good tournament. “I finished ahead of the Missus, North Carolina won it all, and that Jefferis’ kid did pretty well.”
15. Tifani “Sweet Tea” Jefferis got 179 points on 40 correct choices. “Wait, I finished one point behind Clif? I demand a recount.” Smackdown Central will take that under advisement. Additionally, Sweet Tea notes that “while Duke didn’t win it all, North Carolina did and they are kind of like Duke.”
16. Mike “The Hammer” Chastain was lucky to get out of the tournament alive with 173 points on 42 correct choices. His champion, UConn was unable to pull it off and his nephew trounced him. Says ‘The Hammer’, Maybe I should be ‘Spanky’...”
17. Rand “I beat Grande” Simmons got 168 points on 40 correct choices. Though his champion, Kansas Jayhawks, did not make the Elite Eight, he takes some modest comfort in kicking Grande to the curb by 8 points and 1 correct choice.
18. Paul “Scalia” Smith, the black sheep of the Smith Mafia, finished with 161 points on 39 correct choices. While he was able to correctly pick North Carolina as the National Champion, he understands that he has otherwise shamed The Family. “Amy told me she knows it was me. I am not sure what that means, but it does not sound good…”
19. Wayne “Grande” Simmons basically took this year off with 160 points on 39 correct choices. He happily points out that though he personally had an off year, his kids finished one, two, and seventeen. “Seventeen? Rand finished seventeenth? I hate to use the word ‘useless’ but Jeez Louise…”
20. Paige “Scholar” McLoughlin got 159 points on 37 correct choices. She did pick North Carolina as the Champion and promises to “kick people’s butts up between their shoulder blades” next year. Says the Scholar, “I am hard core like that.”
21. And the winner of the 2009 Anchor Man Award is Todd “Double-Jointed” Thummel. Todd showed a lot of commitment to the Smackdown, making his picks from Great Britain. Nevertheless, he ‘sodded off’ with 146 points on 39 correct choices. “I guess I will go cry in my pint of Guiness…”