This year’s Smackdown might have made us rip up our brackets and question our collective sanity, but we must declare the season a resounding success with 10 out of 21 participants successfully smacking down Derek D. “Moderately Tasty” Simmons, Esquire.

 

Without further ado, let us introduce the 2010 Smackdown Champ, Ms. Tifani “The Queen of Questionable Hygiene” Jefferis.

 

 

1. The Queen finished with 226 points on 37 winning selections. Moreover, her Dukies won the National Championship. Congrats to Tifani. We here at Smackdown Central join Clif in hoping that she will wash that Duke shirt soon!

2. Morgan “Chip off the Queen Block” Jefferis finished with 206 points on 36 correct choices. Though Morgan was a member of the crowd that picked Kansas, he improved on his stellar third place finish from last year, his rookie season. Morgan conceded his place to his mother at the last minute. Wise boy. Says Morgan, “I’m all about maintaining peace in the family.”

3. Amy “There’s not a Better Smith” Smith maintained her position in the Smith Family Mafia by getting 195 points on 38 choices. “I may not yet have entirely mastered this Smackdown event, but at least with me in the game, my family stands a chance.”

4. Perhaps it was a fluke, but Barry “Snookums” Smith gave his sister a run for third with 38 choices correct, as well, but the lowlier Smith managed only 192 points. We here at Smackdown Central would guess that those three points will come up at every Smith family reunion this year… “Barry always has managed little bouts with brilliance,” his sister might have said about him if she had been asked. “We continue to encourage him, but genetics only get a person so far.”

5. In a satisfactory debut in the Smackdown, Sean “Pee Wee” Heston showed promise. He scored 185 on 36 correct picks. In an attempt to celebrate, Pee Wee advises that he is “so totally going commando tonight...” Smackdown Central has to say that we totally respect… well, kudos to Pee Wee.

6. Scott “But I Was Aiming for Six” McLoughlin, a self-confessed mama’s boy who fondly remembers the years 1999, 2004 and 2008 while drinking glasses of wine from a box managed 183 points on 36 correct choices. “Those were the glory days,” Six reminisces, a tear in his eye. “It’s just like the song says… they pass you by, man.”

7. Mike “The Witch Doctor” Chastain got one more correct pick than his brother-in-law, Six, at 37 correct picks, but he managed only 181 points. “The Ouija board did not do me justice this year,” Doc said. “I rang the chicken’s neck, I read the tea leaves while dancing naked beneath the full moon. Sometimes the mojo just isn’t powerful enough.”

8. Our second newbie, John “Pookie Bear” Augusto, the Smackdown’s only official KU employee, utilized the “bizarro” strategy of picking Kentucky to win it all. This did not help KU, nor did it help him… apparently. Pookie ended up with 180 on 37 correct picks. “I never claimed I’d be great at smacking down, but the fact that I cleared the derekdoza line means something, right?” We here at Smackdown give Pookie an enthusiastic thumbs up. May there be a great deal of tap dancing down Mass Street in years to come, regardless of Pookie’s loyalty to his employer.

9. Patrick “Spanky” Smith earned 175 points on 34 choices. We here at Smackdown Central want to point out that Spanky miraculously finished in the top ten finishers in spite of picking Texas A&M to beat Duke in the Sweet Sixteen. We here at Smackdown Central understand that in the full blush of victory, Queen Tifani forgives him. It was apparently pretty close, though.

10. Yet another Smith Clan member, Paul “P-Smitty” Smith got 174 points on 35 correct picks. P-Smitty is one of only two participants who picked the Smarmy Carnies to win the National Championship. In a justifiably proud moment, P-Smitty made a last minute move that landed him just above the Derekdoza line. Says his sister Amy, “You could always count on Paul to finish just above moderate… I mean, minimum… well, let’s just say average was his range.” We here at Smackdown Central believe P-Smitty to be an “earnest young man who believes passionately in his cause.”

11. Proving yet another successful year in the annals of Smackdown, Derek “Moderately Tasty” Simmons drew the derekdoza line at number eleven this year. He earned 172 points on 36 correct choices. Though only one correct choice less than Queen Tif, “Moderately Tasty” came in an unfortunate 54 points beneath her. “So maybe I was beat by a couple of Jeffris, a handful of Smiths, a couple of newbies, a guy who drinks wine from a box, and an interesting character who consults chicken entrails before making picks… Need I point out that I am, by far, the superior Simmons this year?” Smackdown Central declares that in no way will the word “superior” be inserted into Moderately Tasty’s moniker, in any shape, form, or innuendo.

12. Aron “Speedee” Rider got 169 points on 36 correct choices. Speedee dropped from last year’s seventh place finish to twelfth place this year. “Last time I pick a Big Twelve team to win it. I would have been better off picking Michigan State for goodness sake,” Speedee was heard to lament. “Never fear. I will return to redeem my good name.”

13. Wayne “Demoted to Captain Thirteen” Simmons made 32 correct selections and ended with 164 points. Perhaps the glory days are over for the three-time Smackdown champ as he has finished in the bottom half of the field for the second year in a row. “According to Queen Tifani’s example, my biggest problem may be that I am washing my t-shirt way too often. I can rectify that,” says Demoted.

14. Lisa “Huckleberry” Heston earned 160 points on 33 correct choices in her Smackdown debut. Huckleberry walks tall, however, and assures us she was keeping her girl power on simmer this season. “You hate to enter a game and scare away the competition,” she says. “I had to ease in… study the Derekdoza line and get my bearings. Rest assured, I’ll smack a little harder next year.

15. Coming in a lowly fifteenth place, Craig “The Invisible Colonel” Kurtz acheived 156 points on 33 correct choices. The Colonel did get West Virginia to the Final Four, but was unable to ride that pony all the way home. “You know, I was never even introduced to the field of participants this year,” Invisible might have been overheard to say, had anyone been listening. “You’d think my years of hanging in there should count for something. I keep showing up for the game. I stay optimistic. I want to believe that one day my ship will come in.” Smackdown Central sincerely apologizes for the oversight. Had the Colonel completed a worthy finish, we might have even groveled a bit.

16. Michael “T-Woww” Thummel made 153 points on 36 correct choices. Mr. T-Woww showed a bit of originality by picking K-State as his champion. What, just because they give you a pay check? Are you bought so easily, Thummel? We here at Smackdown Central have always suspected that Mr. Thummel is not afraid of taking unusual steps. While we would like to reward him with our official Smackdown Seal of Approval, we will stick with the standard line of ridicule. “This is my comfort zone,” T-Woww would be saying if he could only tell it like it is. “I know I suck. Petty shame is not new to me.”

17. Clif “Sgt. Schultz” Jefferis is basking in the reflected glory of his family’s superlative performance. He is especially thankful because he himself only eked out 146 points on 32 correct choices. Clif lost his champion, Pittsburgh, in the round of 32. “Thank goodness for the little woman and our spawn,” he might have said. “I knew I married up for a reason.”

18. John “The Gavel” Wittmayer obviously had more important things on his mind when making his picks. He had a rough tournament with 141 points on 32 correct choices. “I hold myself in contempt and sentence myself to another year of loathing,” he wrote in his painfully earnest concession letter. It is okay, Mr. Wittmayer. This is character-building as all get out.

19. Arturo “Sancho Panza” Gepner got 139 points on 35 correct choices. Oddly enough, this was only two fewer correct picks than reigning Queen Tifani. Smackdown Central would like to remind Art that you can pick your nose, and you can pick your… well, anyway, he apparently can’t pick winning basketball teams for optimal scorage. Art is taking his inability to rise above the derekdoza line quite hard. “I guess it’s time to admit I don’t know squat about basketball,” he might have said.

20. Katherine “Bridezilla” Simmons says “Really folks, I’m getting married this year. Not even a second to last place finish in the Smackdown is going to get me down. Besides, last year’s crown still fits well, and I did manage to outpace my big brother. That’s not saying a lot, but it’s something.” Here-Comes-the Bride" scored 129 points with 29 correct choices.

21. Rand “Anchor Man” Simmons says “It’s the job of a good host to hold up (down?) the curve.” Holding on with all of his might, he managed just 112 points (less than half the Queen’s total) on 30 correct choices.

 Smackdown Central