2010 Smackdown Bios
The Champs
Katherine “Bridezilla” Simmons
Smackdown Region: Midwest
Guilty pleasure song: Ebay by Weird Al Yankovic
Title of self-help book you should write: The Emotionally Abused Little Sister: Overcoming Years of Exposure to Derek
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Pretty much what I did last year…
Quote: “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
Scott "Tail Gunner" McLoughlin
Smackdown Region: Midwest
Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: Karma Chameleon - Culture Club
Title of the self help book you should write: My Life of Bad Beats: Poker Wisdom of a Wannabe
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: By writing a "kick-ass" concession letter.
Quote: “I can't believe you called a $200 bet with THAT!?!” - Scott "Michelin Man" McLoughlin
Wayne “Capt. Zero” Simmons
Smackdown Region: Midwest
Guilty pleasure song: Matchmaker, from Fiddler on the Roof
Title of self-help book you should write: Workin’ It in the Middle of the Night: An Addict’s Guide to FarmTown
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: By gifting all my friends chickens.
Quote: “When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not.” -Yoda
Art “The Situation” Gepner
Smackdown Region: East
Guilty pleasure song: Ice, Ice, Baby, by Vanilla Ice
Title of self-help book you should write: Overcoming Unusual Looks with a
Winning Personality
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: By doing jello shots and tasing myself.
Quote: “This [basketball] is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators.” - Dick Vertleib
Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bobesca the Third “But you can call me Tifani Jefferis”
Smackdown Region: South
Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: anything by the A*Teens (an ABBA cover band)
Title of the self help book you should write: Everyone Needs a Hobby
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: I'm going to Disney World!
Quote: “Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast... like Derek actually winning the Smackdown.” (Loosely quoted from Alice in Wonderland)
Clif "Sgt. Schultz" Jefferis
Smackdown Region: Southeast
Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: Separate Ways by Journey...okay pretty much any song by Journey I feel slightly guilty for liking.
Title of the self help book you should write: Stealing a title from my son Morgan (and perhaps one Tifani will also steal): “Anvils Don't Make Good Parachutes: Sage Wisdom from Our Children”
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Really, you think I have a chance of winning?!
Quote: “I know nothink!”
The Newbies
Dr. John “Pookie Bear” Augusto
Smackdown Region: Midwest
Guilty pleasure song: New Order True Faith
Title of the self help book you should write: How not to take ten years to finish a PhD
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Drinking beer downtown Mass Street, Lawrence
Quote: “I am not picking KU because KU will win the national championship!
Just like Bizarro is the opposite of Superman, if I want my Jayhawks to win, I have to pick the opposite.”
Sean “Pee Wee” Heston
Smackdown Region: Midwest
Guilty pleasure song: The Man in Me, by Bob Dylan
Title of the self help book you should write: The Courage to Go Commando
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: A deluxe mani-pedi – Hey, those nails don’t take care of themselves.
Quote: “Nobody roots for Goliath.” - Wilt Chamberlain
Lisa “Huckleberry” Heston
Smackdown Region: Midwest
Guilty pleasure song: Summer Nights by John Travolta and Olivia Newton John
Title of the self help book you should write: Managing a House of Men
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: There is a bottle of mescal in the cabinet with my name on it.
Quote: “I'm your huckleberry.” -Val Kilmer in Tombstone
The Rest of 'Em
Mike “The Witchdoctor” Chastain
Smackdown Region: Midwest
Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: ABBA's song “Lay All Your Love on Me” Who can resist this disco megagroup?
Title of the self help book you should write: How to Pick Up Low Self-Esteem Women (For Fun or Profit)
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Some variation on the Japanese Kasedori Festival. Though I don't know where I'll get a Cousin It costume.
Quote: Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. - Plato
Paul "P-Smitty" Smith
Region: West (Although, I'm rooting to rename it the Pacific Northwest.)
Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: Pour Some Sugar On Me--Def Leopard
Title of the self help book you should write: Guide to Management: Even If You Make It Idiot-Proof, They Will Build a Better Idiot
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: I'm going to Mexico (actually, I'm going to do that whether I win or not...but it will be that much sweeter if I win).
Quote: “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” -Cordel Hull
Patrick "P-Diddy" aka "P-Darrel" aka "Tricky" Smith (Nice try, Patrick)
Smackdown approved nickname: “Spanky”
Region: Mid-Atlantic
Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: Step-By-Step Theme Song
Title of the self help book you should write: Say Good-Bye to Failed Relationships! How to Make That 5th Marriage Stick
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Bathing, finally.
Quote: “Ain't no man can avoid being born average, but there ain't no man got to be common.” -Satchel Paige
Amy “Tea Bag” Smith
Smackdown Region: Mid-Atlantic
Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: Hungry Eyes from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Actually, anything from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. RIP Ratrick Swayze (We here at Smackdown Central approve this message).
Title of the self help book you should write: Seaworthy: How to serve 20 years in the Navy without setting foot in so much as a kayak.
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Graciously accepting my congratulations and offering advice to my brothers about where they went wrong with their picks.
Quote: “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” --Gloria Steinem
Aron "Speedee" Rider
Smackdown Region: Mid-Atlantic, by force
Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: With the resurgence of 80s music, I am disappointed Foreigner didn't make the grade. Bet you can guess my song.
Title of the self help book you should write: Finding Your Feminine Side After 40
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Margaritas, what else?
Quote: From my son, David: “Something on my body prevents me from sleeping: I think it's my head.”
Derek "Super Delicious" Simmons (really? Super Delicious? We think not…)
Smackdown Approved Nickname: “Moderately Tasty”
Smackdown Region: West Region
Guilty pleasure song: Strokin’, by Clarence Carter
Title of the self help book you should write: “How to write demand letters for fun and profit”
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: There will be dancing and singing, a worldwide celebration that can be described only as “rapturous.”
Quote: “I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder, "Come!" I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider's name was called Derek. He held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest. And Lo, Derek rode triumphant to the Smackdown Championship, vanquishing the lower beasts in the field.”
Barry “Snookums” Smith
Smackdown Region: West
Guilty pleasure song: Baby Got Back, by Sir Mixalot
Title of self-help book you should write: Sexy Calves; The Art of Wearing Tube Socks
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Spending a little “quality time” with my sock collection.
Quote: “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” - Charles Shackleford
Judge John “Nancy Boy” Wittmayer
Smackdown Region: West
Guilty pleasure song: Anything from ABBA
Title of self-help book you should write: Contempt of Court: A Judge's Favorite Hammer
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Give some lucky criminal defendant probation instead of prison.
Quote: When asked why she stabbed her ex-boyfriend in the chest, she said "Because I promised him if he ever broke up with me I would stab him - and I always keep my promises to him." (I sent her to prison)
Prof. Todd “T-woww” Thummel
Smackdown Region: K-State country
Guilty pleasure song: I Feel Pretty, from West Side Story
Title of self-help book you should write: Chicken Soup for the Unrepentant Perv
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: A bubble bath, a bottle of tequila and my Kenny G greatest hits CD.
Quote: “The invention of basketball was not an accident. It was developed to meet a need. Those boys simply would not play ‘Drop the Handkerchief.’” – James Naismith
Morgan “Rog” Jefferis
Smackdown Region: South
Guilty pleasure song: Dance Epidemic, by Electric Six
Title of self-help book you should write: How to know things that are totally useless except for that one time where it's the topic on final Jeopardy
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: I honestly don't know, but it will involve explosions and loud music.
Quote: “An escalator cannot break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Broken’ sign; it should say ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs.’” - Mitch Hedberg
Rand “Banzai” Simmons
Smackdown Region: Midwest
Guilty pleasure song: The Climb, by Miley Cyrus
Title of self help book: The Rand Method: Tapping Into Your Inner Awesome
How I plan to celebrate winning the Smackdown: A long and obnoxious phone call to my brother.
Quote: “If the NBA were on channel 5 and a bunch of frogs making love were on channel 4, I’d watch the frogs, even if they were coming in fuzzy.” – Bobby Knight