Katherine Simmons
The 2009 Smackdown Wrap-up
We have come
upon a situation unique in the annals of
Smackdown history. Our 2009 Smackdown Champ
actually sent her concession letter
before the Tournament started. This
unprecedented situation has caused much
head-scratching here at Smackdown Central.
What to do? What to
do?
When we communicated our concerns to this
year’s “potential winner”, she advised that
she has certain pictures that we here at
Smackdown Central would not want posted to
the Internet. This has caused much
consternation here at Smackdown Central.
Unfortunately, if we do not crown Katherine,
a certain player-who-must-not-be-named would
win by default. We here at Smackdown Central
are not that set on proving a point.
So in 2009, Smackdown Central brings you
both good news and bad news. The good news
is that once again, -- Derek did not win.
The bad news? … the Derekdoza line is very
high this year.
And so, without further ado…
Our 2009 Smackdown Champion is
Katherine “The
Great” Simmons. She did not get
her champion, Louisville, into the Final
Four, but did manage a top score of 232 on
48 correct choices. Says the Champ, “Derek
sucks, yay me.”
2. In second place after scaring the heck
out of all of us is
Derek “Payback is very unpleasant”
Simmons. In spite of getting
slapped down by karma, the universe, and his
little sister, Derek managed 217 points on
47 correct choices. “Two freakin’ years in a
row I finish behind my sister. I must have
done something very bad in a previous life.”
3. The other major story in this year’s
Smackdown involved The Fledglings, part of
the next generation that we are training to
thump Derek without mercy.
Morgan “Carrying
the Family Flag” Jeffries
finished in the money in his rookie campaign
with 213 points on 42 correct choices.
Unfortunately, he picked Memphis as his
champion. Oh
Morgan, did you not see the championship
game last year? Oh well, you will learn
eventually...
4. Our second Fledgling to carry the family
honor was Aidan
“Freight Train” McLoughlin.
“Train” got 210 points on 46 correct
choices. We here at Smackdown Central
watched on St. James Day as he tracked the
scores by the minute. Good genes in that
family.
5. At several points, it looked as if the
Smith Mafia was going to school the rest of
the Smackdown field.
Patrick “Spanky” Smith was the
highest finisher, however, with 191 points
on 36 correct choices. Like young Mr.
Jeffries, he picked Memphis as his champion.
Unlike Mr. Jeffries, he does not have
relative youth as an excuse. “Hey, what does
a guy have to do to get better nickname,
please? What about ‘P-Smitty’?”
6. Amy “Tip of the
Spear” Smith finished right
behind “Spanky” with 189 points on 37
correct choices. She finished with 12
correct choices behind our champion AND she
picked Syracuse to win it all. Rumor has it
that hallucinogenic pharmaceuticals may have
been involved…”
7. Aron “Easy”
Rider cruised to 188 points on 42
correct choices. “How did I manage to get
five more correct choices than Amy, but
still finish behind her?” Nevertheless,
“Easy” has got to be feeling at least a
little redemption because the Big Ten did
show some oomph. Unfortunately, her champion
pick, Michigan State, could not quite pull
it off.
8. Last year’s champion,
Scott “Fall from
Grace” McLoughlin got 187 points
on 44 correct choices. His one shred of
remaining glory is that he was the highest
finisher to correctly pick the national
champion, North Carolina. “One, we need to
put more points into the last two rounds.
And two, did you see where my kid finished?
That’s my boy. Also, as a previous
fifteen-time winner of the Smackdown, I
propose that we eternally brand Patrick as ‘Spanky’”.
9. John “Butch”
Wittmayer finished with 185
points on 44 correct choices. For those of
you who are keeping track, that is 24 points
and 5 correct choices better than his
ne’er-do-well son-in-law. We here at
Smackdown Central are just saying.
10. Craig “Chitty
Chitty” Kurtz got 183 points on
41 correct choices. A middle of the pack
finish for “Chitty” who we here at Smackdown
Central would like to thank for getting THAT
SONG stuck in our heads for the last month.
11. Like his brother Spanky,
Barry “The
Definition of Insanity” Smith
chose Memphis for his champion for the
second year in a row – and for the second
year in a row, they did not come through for
him. Unlike Spanky, Barry finished with a
mere 181 points on 40 correct choices. “Hey,
I told my wife how to fill out the brackets
after she came back from the store. I guess
she just can’t follow directions…”
11. Tying with “Insanity” was
Paul “Lemmy”
Lehmkuhler who also got 181
points on 42 correct choices. The buzz on
the street was that “Lemmy” wanted to pick
Nebraska to win, but was quite disappointed
to learn that they were not in the
tournament this year. His consolation choice
was Pittsburgh. Maybe next year “Lemmy”
13. Arthur “Don
Arturo” Gepner finished with 180
points on 42 correct choices. Louisville.
Mr. Gepner is feeling the pain of having
picked the higher seeds. “I got six more
correct picks than Spanky and finished eight
spots behind him. I am not feeling the
love.”
14. Clif “ Note My
Progeny” Jefferis ended up with
180 points on 41 correct choices. In spite
of his ‘toward the rear of the pack’ finish,
Clif feels like he had a pretty good
tournament. “I finished ahead of the Missus,
North Carolina won it all, and that Jefferis’
kid did pretty well.”
15. Tifani “Sweet
Tea” Jefferis got 179 points on
40 correct choices. “Wait, I finished one
point behind Clif? I demand a recount.”
Smackdown Central will take that under
advisement. Additionally, Sweet Tea notes
that “while Duke didn’t win it all, North
Carolina did and they are kind of like
Duke.”
16. Mike “The
Hammer” Chastain was lucky to get
out of the tournament alive with 173 points
on 42 correct choices. His champion, UConn
was unable to pull it off and his nephew
trounced him. Says ‘The Hammer’, Maybe I
should be ‘Spanky’...”
17. Rand “I beat
Grande” Simmons got 168 points on
40 correct choices. Though his champion,
Kansas Jayhawks, did not make the Elite
Eight, he takes some modest comfort in
kicking Grande to the curb by 8 points and 1
correct choice.
18. Paul “Scalia”
Smith, the black sheep of the
Smith Mafia, finished with 161 points on 39
correct choices. While he was able to
correctly pick North Carolina as the
National Champion, he understands that he
has otherwise shamed The Family. “Amy told
me she knows it was me. I am not sure what
that means, but it does not sound good…”
19. Wayne “Grande”
Simmons basically took this year
off with 160 points on 39 correct choices.
He happily points out that though he
personally had an off year, his kids
finished one, two, and seventeen.
“Seventeen? Rand finished seventeenth? I
hate to use the word ‘useless’ but Jeez
Louise…”
20. Paige “Scholar”
McLoughlin got 159 points on 37
correct choices. She did pick North Carolina
as the Champion and promises to “kick
people’s butts up between their shoulder
blades” next year. Says the Scholar, “I am
hard core like that.”
21. And the winner of the 2009 Anchor Man
Award is Todd
“Double-Jointed” Thummel. Todd
showed a lot of commitment to the Smackdown,
making his picks from Great Britain.
Nevertheless, he ‘sodded off’ with 146
points on 39 correct choices. “I guess I
will go cry in my pint of Guiness…”
